Who said I'm not okay with it? My mother held the position before me, and she died to protect our people. I knew exactly what it would mean when I chose to follow in her footsteps, or I wouldn't have summoned Agni at all.
[ she's too tired to get angry, even if she feels a little offended by beau's tirade. as if she doesn't know...? ]
I've already lost most of my lifespan, anyway. If the rest of it is spent protecting what matters most to me, then I won't have any regrets. I've already failed Atera once by letting the barrier fall when they needed it most. I won't do it again.
[ she just goes ahead and punches the pew in front of her. beau is never too tired to be angry. she also catapults herself up to go pace. muttering to herself: ]
Why do all the girls I'm into do this? Is it a me thing?
[ the sudden movement startles brilith, and she watches with wide eyes as beau rises. ]
All the... what?
[ ??? slowly, as if she's trying not to upset beau further, she sets her book aside to stand. it's tempting to reach for her staff, but she resists and only goes to the end of the pew - letting beau have distance, if she wants it, but still concerned. ]
Beau, it has nothing to do with you. I made that decision almost twenty years ago.
Fucking - of course it doesn't, I'm not that arrogant, I didn't think it had anything to do with me. I just get sick of seeing people like you fucking toil and suffer for years and nobody even cares or notices.
...Like I said, there's nothing that can be done about it, anyway, so I don't see the point in making them worry. There are priest candidates in Atera now, so if anything does happen to me, there are people who can take over my role and keep the city safe.
Besides... [ she'll try to catch beau's eyes, so that she knows brilith is being sincere. ] The damage Sagara did was healed, thanks to Agni. What happened then... it doesn't matter anymore.
Who said I can't? I told you, I made the choice for myself... maybe not to be the target of Sagara's transcendental, but to summon Agni and become the priestess of Atera.
[ she looks away, a small, sad smile on her lips. ]
...And if Sagara attacks my city again, I won't be defending it alone. Agni will be there if I need him, this time.
[ she's thisclose to just making a pbhlllttt sound.
and then - there's a memory of her own that triggers.
it's kind of a mix, a mess of things. brilith finds herself suddenly and without warning being yanked out of her bed, dragged out by the hair by figures in blue cloaks, hooded and shadowed. but it's not brilith, it's beau, and she starts shouting, curses and threats and insults and hey! mom! MOM! as she's yanked down the staircase, and tossed into the main foyer.
a tall man in a suit looks down at her, expression tight, arms behind his back. she instantly realizes something is wrong. he's expecting it. he doesn't move, and beau picks herself up off the ground, fists clenched, and she starts to swing, but one of the cloaks grabs her by the arm and keeps her still, even though she shouts.
What the fuck! What are you doing? beau screams in his face, and the tall man lifts a hand and backhands her.
it doesn't hurt so much as it shocks her. she stares up at him, and he says, We're sending you away. You have much to learn, and we can't hold your hand any longer, Beauregard. The Cobalt Soul will take it from here.
and as she's being dragged out of the house, there's another sharper, thudding memory that slams in, an austere, bald elven woman rearing back her fist and punching brilith - beau - across the face, sending her to the floor.
Are you listening, now?
Do I have a choice?
and then - abruptly, the memory ends, and beau curses at the top of her lungs. ]
Fucking - stop showing that one! [ she shouts at the ceiling. ]
[ she stumbles back, both from the shock of the memory and beau's shout, catching herself on the pew but not before sending her staff clattering to the ground. brilith leaves it there, staring at beau with wide eyes. ]
Beau... [ her voice is quiet, horrified. ] Was that... your family?
[ but how could family treat someone like that? even jibril, for all that she never cared, had never raised a hand against them. so how...? ]
That's fucking noble of you. You're a way better person than me. I would've said fuck everybody, I just - I'm not that kind of person. So it pisses me off.
[ she won't say anything now, but beau will see another memory later that may clear up why she doesn't necessarily agree. ]
But you protected Nie HuaiSang despite all of that, so it isn't like you don't care about anyone else at all. Standing up for those you care about... [ even if others, brilith included, disagree ] ...that isn't necessarily a bad thing.
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And I don't mean just death. I mean the whole thing. Being self sacrificing is fucking hard and nobody deserves to have to be that all the time.
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I've already lost most of my lifespan, anyway. If the rest of it is spent protecting what matters most to me, then I won't have any regrets. I've already failed Atera once by letting the barrier fall when they needed it most. I won't do it again.
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[ she just goes ahead and punches the pew in front of her. beau is never too tired to be angry. she also catapults herself up to go pace. muttering to herself: ]
Why do all the girls I'm into do this? Is it a me thing?
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All the... what?
[ ??? slowly, as if she's trying not to upset beau further, she sets her book aside to stand. it's tempting to reach for her staff, but she resists and only goes to the end of the pew - letting beau have distance, if she wants it, but still concerned. ]
Beau, it has nothing to do with you. I made that decision almost twenty years ago.
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Fucking - of course it doesn't, I'm not that arrogant, I didn't think it had anything to do with me. I just get sick of seeing people like you fucking toil and suffer for years and nobody even cares or notices.
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Yeah, of course not. Because you don't deserve someone to worry after you, right?
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Ugh. You say that like people can just choose to shut the worry off.
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Whatever. I'm not gonna undo twenty years of bullshit by screaming at you.
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Besides... [ she'll try to catch beau's eyes, so that she knows brilith is being sincere. ] The damage Sagara did was healed, thanks to Agni. What happened then... it doesn't matter anymore.
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You can't even see how you're being fucked over. [ she folds her arms. ] Yeah. Doesn't matter anymore.
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[ she looks away, a small, sad smile on her lips. ]
...And if Sagara attacks my city again, I won't be defending it alone. Agni will be there if I need him, this time.
cw: parental abuse
and then - there's a memory of her own that triggers.
it's kind of a mix, a mess of things. brilith finds herself suddenly and without warning being yanked out of her bed, dragged out by the hair by figures in blue cloaks, hooded and shadowed. but it's not brilith, it's beau, and she starts shouting, curses and threats and insults and hey! mom! MOM! as she's yanked down the staircase, and tossed into the main foyer.
a tall man in a suit looks down at her, expression tight, arms behind his back. she instantly realizes something is wrong. he's expecting it. he doesn't move, and beau picks herself up off the ground, fists clenched, and she starts to swing, but one of the cloaks grabs her by the arm and keeps her still, even though she shouts.
What the fuck! What are you doing? beau screams in his face, and the tall man lifts a hand and backhands her.
it doesn't hurt so much as it shocks her. she stares up at him, and he says, We're sending you away. You have much to learn, and we can't hold your hand any longer, Beauregard. The Cobalt Soul will take it from here.
and as she's being dragged out of the house, there's another sharper, thudding memory that slams in, an austere, bald elven woman rearing back her fist and punching brilith - beau - across the face, sending her to the floor.
Are you listening, now?
Do I have a choice?
and then - abruptly, the memory ends, and beau curses at the top of her lungs. ]
Fucking - stop showing that one! [ she shouts at the ceiling. ]
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Beau... [ her voice is quiet, horrified. ] Was that... your family?
[ but how could family treat someone like that? even jibril, for all that she never cared, had never raised a hand against them. so how...? ]
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[ she kicks the pew, not looking at brilith. she's... embarrassed? ]
I didn't get a choice. About anything. [ she says, bitterly. ] All my choices were made for me. That's why I fucking get mad.
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But you do now, right? [ get choices, she means. ] And you're using that to try to help people.
[ right? ]
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And the Cobalt Soul came crawling after me, but I joined it on my fucking terms. Not my dad's.
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Yeah. [ she's quiet for a moment, debating, and then: ] I guess I just can't imagine why someone would. Too selfish.
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...You mean, why someone would make the choices I did. To sacrifice themselves for everyone else, to keep smiling so they don't worry.
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[ she looks up at brilith now. ]
That's fucking noble of you. You're a way better person than me. I would've said fuck everybody, I just - I'm not that kind of person. So it pisses me off.
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[ she won't say anything now, but beau will see another memory later that may clear up why she doesn't necessarily agree. ]
But you protected Nie HuaiSang despite all of that, so it isn't like you don't care about anyone else at all. Standing up for those you care about... [ even if others, brilith included, disagree ] ...that isn't necessarily a bad thing.
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