[ her fists clench the sheets, and brilith swallows against the sorrow that floods her body as beau continues to yell. it isn't her own, she reminds herself. she has no reason to cling to the friends that the brilith from before had cherished.
still, she has to fight to keep her voice steady, and under the sedative, she isn't entirely successful. ]
I am not a god; I don't share their ability to read the minds of humans. I won't know what you think or what you want from me unless you say something, and all you've done tonight is yell.
So tell me: why did you come here? I've already spoken with Isaac, and he understands more than you seem to want to try.
What, did you forget what I kept telling you last week? I thought I made myself pretty clear when I said I wanted you to be able to have a personality outside of your duty.
[ her jaw tightens at isaac's name, though. ]
But. I don't know why I came. [ she says, honestly. a little raw. ] For answers, I guess. To check on you.
...Because you liked her, is that it? [ she may have been ignorant before, but this brilith has lived too many different lives to miss that.] But you haven't asked many questions. You won't get answers that way.
You don't. This is still directly tied to your duty, man, all this is you just keep not getting to be a person. [ she leans against the door. ] I like you. Yeah. Or I did. I don't know. You're beautiful, and dancing with you was fun, but I don't have the kind of patience you need, I think.
[ she rubs at her arm. ] I don't even know what to fucking ask.
There is no duty in being forced to be reborn again and again.
[ her voice is soft, tired. but brilith doesn't argue the rest. ]
An overabundance of patience is what got me into this position. But, however little it's worth now: she liked you, too, even if she didn't realize.
....Strange, though, how you're the first to admit you don't know. So many have already insisted that they know me, and the only one who really does is too blind and too big a fool to do anything.
[ she liked you too. beau lets out a long, heavy sigh, thudding back against the door heavily. ]
People are layered, man. I can't claim to know shit about you, especially because we're so fucking different. I think maybe one person in this whole place gets me on that sort of level that you're talking about. [ she folds her arms. ] What I mean by patience is that I keep thinking I'm explaining to you what I think, and you're just not - getting what I'm putting out. We're talking past each other.
I have this problem a lot. [ it reminds her of caleb. ]
[ the part of brilith with millennia of suffering behind her screams that it doesn't matter. it's just one more person to hate her, and why should she care to do anything about it if she still plans on finding a way to end this life as soon as she can, to free herself of agni?
yet she can't stop herself from asking: ]
...You said you were angry, but not for the reasons I think. You never explained further, unless that was just about Isaac.
I'm angry because I think you were being selfish. Not that you give a shit. You're very worldly and all above me and have lived for a fucking bazillion years, I get it.
I'm angry because I hate destiny and fate and all that bullshit. I'm angry because you're just - one more fucking girl I couldn't do anything for.
Does it really fucking matter if you are selfish or you're acting selfish? It comes down to the same thing, Brilith. Splitting hairs like that doesn't fucking matter.
[ she folds her arms. ] You wanna know something? For all as much as I went on about you being noble and self-sacrificial - those aren't compliments. Not from me. I wasn't trying to butter you up - you're way more fucking interesting to me if you're fucked up.
I'm not going to take it on myself. But I am annoyed, because I thought that maybe there was something else there, and there wasn't. I'm just digging a hole and finding mud.
It's fine. You're not the first and you won't be the last.
[ a beat. ] You should probably listen to the people who love you, here. They're gonna break themselves in half to try and make you whole, and I'm gonna pick up the pieces. Like always.
What's done is done. I can't change who I am for their sake, and I have no desire to. But you can't pretend to know exactly what's happened between myself and any of the others where you can't see, either.
I like you, Beauregard. You remind me of... [ ...it doesn't matter who, so she shakes her head. ] I don't want to keep arguing with you.
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still, she has to fight to keep her voice steady, and under the sedative, she isn't entirely successful. ]
I am not a god; I don't share their ability to read the minds of humans. I won't know what you think or what you want from me unless you say something, and all you've done tonight is yell.
So tell me: why did you come here? I've already spoken with Isaac, and he understands more than you seem to want to try.
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[ her jaw tightens at isaac's name, though. ]
But. I don't know why I came. [ she says, honestly. a little raw. ] For answers, I guess. To check on you.
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[ she's quiet for a moment, almost hesitating. ]
...Because you liked her, is that it? [ she may have been ignorant before, but this brilith has lived too many different lives to miss that.] But you haven't asked many questions. You won't get answers that way.
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You don't. This is still directly tied to your duty, man, all this is you just keep not getting to be a person. [ she leans against the door. ] I like you. Yeah. Or I did. I don't know. You're beautiful, and dancing with you was fun, but I don't have the kind of patience you need, I think.
[ she rubs at her arm. ] I don't even know what to fucking ask.
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[ her voice is soft, tired. but brilith doesn't argue the rest. ]
An overabundance of patience is what got me into this position. But, however little it's worth now: she liked you, too, even if she didn't realize.
....Strange, though, how you're the first to admit you don't know. So many have already insisted that they know me, and the only one who really does is too blind and too big a fool to do anything.
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People are layered, man. I can't claim to know shit about you, especially because we're so fucking different. I think maybe one person in this whole place gets me on that sort of level that you're talking about. [ she folds her arms. ] What I mean by patience is that I keep thinking I'm explaining to you what I think, and you're just not - getting what I'm putting out. We're talking past each other.
I have this problem a lot. [ it reminds her of caleb. ]
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yet she can't stop herself from asking: ]
...You said you were angry, but not for the reasons I think. You never explained further, unless that was just about Isaac.
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I'm angry because I hate destiny and fate and all that bullshit. I'm angry because you're just - one more fucking girl I couldn't do anything for.
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[ said softly, with no heat behind it. brilith knows she isn't as good a person as they all believe. she knows. it doesn't change much.
that said... she does laugh quietly, mirthlessly. ]
Then that makes two of us. Just do me a favor, and don't take it on yourself. The fault lies with no one but Agni and myself.
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[ she folds her arms. ] You wanna know something? For all as much as I went on about you being noble and self-sacrificial - those aren't compliments. Not from me. I wasn't trying to butter you up - you're way more fucking interesting to me if you're fucked up.
I'm not going to take it on myself. But I am annoyed, because I thought that maybe there was something else there, and there wasn't. I'm just digging a hole and finding mud.
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[ she's quiet for a moment, apparently considering all of this, and then: ]
I'm sorry to disappoint.
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[ a beat. ] You should probably listen to the people who love you, here. They're gonna break themselves in half to try and make you whole, and I'm gonna pick up the pieces. Like always.
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I won't hurt them. So you can save any further lectures for someone else.
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You won't hurt them? Really? I fucking doubt that. Maybe not on purpose, but the way you're acting is going to upset people. Already has.
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I like you, Beauregard. You remind me of... [ ...it doesn't matter who, so she shakes her head. ] I don't want to keep arguing with you.
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Fine. Then I guess we're done here. [ and without another word, she opens the door and walks out. ]