[ well. it’s been a bad weekend - and if that’s true for brilith, then others have suffered far more. she vaguely remembers isaac’s reaction to the vote on saturday night, through her own distress, but even if she didn’t, it’s hard to ignore how obviously attached to asch the boy was.
there are no words that can compensate for the loss of someone’s friend. even without experiencing it firsthand (she’d have to have friends for that), she’s seen how difficult it can be for others, after the attack on atera. so maybe she’s not the best person to talk to isaac about the subject - brilith knows she isn’t, so she’d given those who were some time to talk to him first - she still wants to see him. is it selfish, to do so out of concern for a stranger but also for her own peace of mind?
does it matter, when her idle quest in looking for him has suddenly turned very real, when she finds isaac himself? ]
Oh, Isaac! [ if she sounds a little startled… she is. brilith didn’t think this far, and she has no idea what to say now that she’s here. ] I… I wanted to see how you were doing.
[ He's in the chapel, because he spends most of Monday there. He's sitting in a back pew, just admiring the windows in silence, and he'll perk up when he hears his name, turning his head. ]
Oh... it's--Brilith, right? [ this one does NOT memorize the profiles. But her stated intent kind of trips him up, and he comes over a little awkward ]
Uh... I mean ... I'm fine. [ muttered. he's so, so, so, so, so NOT fine, but he's not going to just outwardly EXPRESS that, what do you take him for. ]
[ she nods, lingering by the door a moment longer before stepping further in. she stops by the pew, but doesn’t sit, simply watching him for a moment. he… doesn’t look fine. but what would brilith know about that?
still... ]
Someone told me recently that it’s okay to not be fine. You were close to him, right - to Asch? No one would blame you for being upset.
He was like a brother to me. We spent like ... nearly every day together, somehow. I know he was a jerk and started a ton of fights but he was a good person and didn't deserve--
[ Isaac stops abruptly. Then he just ... shakes his head mutely. He's afraid if he tries to say anything more he'll start crying again, and he's pretty sick of crying. ]
[ so that’s… about what she’d expected. asch always struck her as the type who would be a great friend, if he’d allow someone to get that close. it’s terrible to only be able to confirm that after his death. ]
I know.
[ that he deserved better, that is. that there should have been another way. brilith hates how it worked out, but isaac has even more reason to be angry. ]
For what it’s worth… I’m glad you had someone like that here. It sounds like it was a blessing for you, while it lasted.
We've been put in this strange situation against our wills, even if they insist we agreed to it. Wouldn't most people look for something positive, even in a terrible place like this? [ that's what she's read before, and... ] I know I have.
[ Isaac sighs, the sound of it tired and a little teary, and eventually nods. ]
... being here is the first time I've actually had any friends at all in a really long time. People are nice to me, and seem like they actually want me around. Even ... even someone like Asch.
So... I get what you're saying. It's just ... it's not fair. I wish we all could have met anywhere but here.
I know what you mean. There are a lot of people here I'd love to show my home to... and it's terrible to find someone you want to spend time with, only to have it torn away like that.
[ brilith isn't sure if she can relate. she's never lost anyone that she was truly close to, not yet. but she can understand not having anyone before coming here. even now, with the priest candidates in atera, she's still very alone - maybe more alone than ever. ]
Doesn't that mean we should try even harder, though? I don't know if there's a way to save their souls, or if they've already been delivered to where they're supposed to go, but if we can find a way to do that and bring an end to the cycle, then it won't be a waste for us to have come here. He... He told me to fight for the living, after all.
[ hah. later on, she'll be in the chapel - same as when she found him before. ironic, isn't it? she's quiet, sitting in a pew near the front with her head resting to her staff as she clings to it like her life depends on it. ]
... don't apologize. Not like it was your fault. We just messed up, all of us. Really bad.
[ ... ] And as angry as I still am at her, I know it wasn't her fault either. Not really. It feels like these transformations can happen to just anyone, and once it starts, you'll end up killing someone no matter what.
[ he's quiet again for a moment. then: ]
How well did you know them? Everybody, this week. I ... really only know Hunter, since we're friends, but I never got to know Mammon or Meltryllis and...
And it sounds like they don't even know until it happens, otherwise...
[ otherwise, hunter wouldn't have told her about the antidote. otherwise, they'd be able to do something, give some kind of warning before... ]
I didn't know Stefano and Meltryllis that well. Mammon was my roommate, and Hunter, my friend. They've both helped me a lot since we first came here... It almost feels like it's just another nightmare, and I'll wake up in our room and Mammon will still be there.
Mammon had the bed, in ours. I'm not sure that I could take it, either, now that he's... [ she takes a deep breath. ] It's hard just being in there, knowing what happened. And the smell...
[ wow what a day amirite? something could easily fall through the cracks in all the chaos, so brilith is going to be looking for isaac at some point later on, to see how he's doing. ]
Isaac... Are you doing alright, after...?
[ she's... not sure if he and anya were friends. but she wanted to check on him anyway, just in case. ]
[ The results go up, and somewhat despite himself, Isaac can't help nearly sagging with relief when he doesn't hear Brilith's name. Instead it's Dazai, and he was the guilty party... they got the right person.
Somehow it never feels as good as you think it should, catching the real culprit.
But now that it's over, he can at least help Brilith, who is still sedated and woozy. ]
Come on, can you stand...? [ He'll help pull her up, tugging one of her arms across his shoulders so he can support her weight. ]
[ the sedative is still working through her system, but she's aware enough to keep trying, despite it. the vote failed her - so she has to live a little longer. hardly ideal, but if it comes to it... well. she'll think about that when the time comes. what are a few more days, in the face of countless different lives?
she doesn't answer isaac; she simply tries to take one step, then two, and stumbles on the third. ]
[ good lord he has so many questions but they have other stuff to focus on
when she stumbles he will too, but less. he's able to plant his feet and keep them both from falling over. Isaac will grit his teeth and try to shoulder as much of her weight as he can. He ends up having to wrap one arm around her waist, to support her a little better so she won't fall. ]
No, don't worry about that right now. We need to get you to your room.
[ When he's carrying more of her weight, is she able to start moving again? ]
[ that's all it takes. she has no desire to be trapped in the room where she had to relive it all, so brilith grits her teeth and forces her feet to move. it's slow going, but with isaac's help, they can move forward. ]
[ an elevator would have been nice, she thinks bitterly, as they make the slow ascent. she probably stumbles a few times. isaac and the wall both help her stay upright, but it doesn't stop her from breathing heavily by the top they reach the top. she's tired. this is exhausting. was any of it even necessary? ]
15... Room 15.
[ her purse is a crossbody, and hasn't left her shoulder since she'd put her dress back on after the search. she'll have to fish the key out, once they reach the door, but thankfully it's closer than her old room. ]
[ To be honest, he's tired too from carrying most of her weight, but he shows no sign of it, and never once complains. Just carries her as best he can, and he'll help her get into the room, too, once they're there. ]
[ Only once she's stable that he lets her go, and at that point he'll retreat to sit elswhere and catch his own breath for a second. That was a trip. ]
... yeah, of course. Do you need to sleep it off? I can come back later...
[ said softly - she's not trying to hurt him. even after all of that, she remembers him, and the things he's told her... even with her memories, she still cares about this child. ]
What happened... I remembered everything I hadn't before. Every one of my past lives, back to the very first I lived. Every last one of them ended in disaster.
[ Isaac's quiet for longer this time, trying to soak in the magnitude of that number and knowing he's failing. ]
... so you remembered ... what, only one before, and what happened during the trial made you -- "awaken" to all of the others? [ that was the word babo kim had used. or agni. OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS! ]
That's right. I usually spend much of each life unaware, but eventually I remember them all. This time... between my memories and his, there was no avoiding it.
... man, during a trial was a bad time for that. Not that there’s a good time, but...
[ like, that’s gotta be EXTRA worse ]
I ... wish I knew what to say. I can’t imagine what that’s like... all I know is that I’m really sorry, Brilith. You’re ... you’re a good person, and... you shouldn’t have to hurt like this.
[ it's almost funny, how little he understands, and how sincere he is despite that. there is no arguing that he means well, but all the same... it doesn't change that she still doesn't want to live with this, if it means continuing the connection to agni.
even so, she manages to smile for him. it's sad, perhaps, and doesn't touch her eyes, but it's there. ]
You have a good heart, Isaac. I wish you could have found friends somewhere else - somewhere safe.
[ without her there, with all her memories, to hurt him again because she could never handle living with them for long. ]</small.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 2, monday
there are no words that can compensate for the loss of someone’s friend. even without experiencing it firsthand (she’d have to have friends for that), she’s seen how difficult it can be for others, after the attack on atera. so maybe she’s not the best person to talk to isaac about the subject - brilith knows she isn’t, so she’d given those who were some time to talk to him first - she still wants to see him. is it selfish, to do so out of concern for a stranger but also for her own peace of mind?
does it matter, when her idle quest in looking for him has suddenly turned very real, when she finds isaac himself? ]
Oh, Isaac! [ if she sounds a little startled… she is. brilith didn’t think this far, and she has no idea what to say now that she’s here. ] I… I wanted to see how you were doing.
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Oh... it's--Brilith, right? [ this one does NOT memorize the profiles. But her stated intent kind of trips him up, and he comes over a little awkward ]
Uh... I mean ... I'm fine. [ muttered. he's so, so, so, so, so NOT fine, but he's not going to just outwardly EXPRESS that, what do you take him for. ]
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still... ]
Someone told me recently that it’s okay to not be fine. You were close to him, right - to Asch? No one would blame you for being upset.
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[ a pause. Isaac rubs his arm over his mouth. ]
He was like a brother to me. We spent like ... nearly every day together, somehow. I know he was a jerk and started a ton of fights but he was a good person and didn't deserve--
[ Isaac stops abruptly. Then he just ... shakes his head mutely. He's afraid if he tries to say anything more he'll start crying again, and he's pretty sick of crying. ]
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I know.
[ that he deserved better, that is. that there should have been another way. brilith hates how it worked out, but isaac has even more reason to be angry. ]
For what it’s worth… I’m glad you had someone like that here. It sounds like it was a blessing for you, while it lasted.
1/2
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[ how did he get so attached
why does it hurt so much ]
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[ a genuine question. ]
We've been put in this strange situation against our wills, even if they insist we agreed to it. Wouldn't most people look for something positive, even in a terrible place like this? [ that's what she's read before, and... ] I know I have.
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... being here is the first time I've actually had any friends at all in a really long time. People are nice to me, and seem like they actually want me around. Even ... even someone like Asch.
So... I get what you're saying. It's just ... it's not fair. I wish we all could have met anywhere but here.
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[ brilith isn't sure if she can relate. she's never lost anyone that she was truly close to, not yet. but she can understand not having anyone before coming here. even now, with the priest candidates in atera, she's still very alone - maybe more alone than ever. ]
Doesn't that mean we should try even harder, though? I don't know if there's a way to save their souls, or if they've already been delivered to where they're supposed to go, but if we can find a way to do that and bring an end to the cycle, then it won't be a waste for us to have come here. He... He told me to fight for the living, after all.
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[ huff. ]
Besides, Asch ... told me to live for him, so.
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[ she tries to smile, but it's strained. ]
If there's anything to be done to help those of us who are still here, I want to try. Will you help me, Isaac?
week 2, post-trial
he does know her, and more than anything, he thinks he can guess how she's feeling right now.
So he dedicates a portion of his night to finding her, however long it takes, wherever she'll end up being. ]
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Brilith? It's ... it's me. ... you gonna be okay?
[ Can I join you?
He doesn't immediately, instead watching her for some cue. ]
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I don't know. But I think... I understand how you felt a little better, now.
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[ soft and sincere. he will end up taking a seat beside her, worriedly watching her face. ]
I'm sorry you do.
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[ including isaac. maybe especially him - it sounded like he may have needed someone like asch, the way she apparently needed hunter.
...but there's still a chance he could be alright. so she doesn't want to dwell on this. not yet. not if there's something else to focus on. ]
Did you know? About Meltryllis.
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... I guessed, but ... I didn't know for sure. She ... was my vote last week.
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...I'm sorry we figured it out too late.
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[ ... ] And as angry as I still am at her, I know it wasn't her fault either. Not really. It feels like these transformations can happen to just anyone, and once it starts, you'll end up killing someone no matter what.
[ he's quiet again for a moment. then: ]
How well did you know them? Everybody, this week. I ... really only know Hunter, since we're friends, but I never got to know Mammon or Meltryllis and...
[ ... well, no point in dwelling on "what if" ]
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[ otherwise, hunter wouldn't have told her about the antidote. otherwise, they'd be able to do something, give some kind of warning before... ]
I didn't know Stefano and Meltryllis that well. Mammon was my roommate, and Hunter, my friend. They've both helped me a lot since we first came here... It almost feels like it's just another nightmare, and I'll wake up in our room and Mammon will still be there.
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[ its bald, but it's not unkind by any means.
Nia and Asch. Mammon and Hunter. Too similar, all of it. Even down to the accused, and ultimately voted for, friend.
but hunter will be fine ]
... 'm sorry. You know, Nia got the bed in our room. Now that she's gone, me and Ash, we ... neither of us ever took it.
[ felt too weird, to take what was hers. ]
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Mammon had the bed, in ours. I'm not sure that I could take it, either, now that he's... [ she takes a deep breath. ] It's hard just being in there, knowing what happened. And the smell...
week 3, thursday
Isaac... Are you doing alright, after...?
[ she's... not sure if he and anya were friends. but she wanted to check on him anyway, just in case. ]
week 3, post-trial
Somehow it never feels as good as you think it should, catching the real culprit.
But now that it's over, he can at least help Brilith, who is still sedated and woozy. ]
Come on, can you stand...? [ He'll help pull her up, tugging one of her arms across his shoulders so he can support her weight. ]
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she doesn't answer isaac; she simply tries to take one step, then two, and stumbles on the third. ]
This body... it's so weak...
[ that's. a no i guess. ]
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[ good lord he has so many questions but they have other stuff to focus on
when she stumbles he will too, but less. he's able to plant his feet and keep them both from falling over. Isaac will grit his teeth and try to shoulder as much of her weight as he can. He ends up having to wrap one arm around her waist, to support her a little better so she won't fall. ]
No, don't worry about that right now. We need to get you to your room.
[ When he's carrying more of her weight, is she able to start moving again? ]
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... where do you wanna go? I mean, I'm assuming your room, but ...
[ ... if there's somewhere else, like a friend's room, he'd understand if she wanted to be somewhere else right now. ]
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[ she doesn't trust anywhere else to be quiet, to mean she'll be alone (to be free of agni). ]
Just - help me up the stairs. [ she hates this. ] Please. I need to rest until it wears off.
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[ He'll flash her a quick smile, worried though it is.
anyway OH BOY, STAIRS. this is going to be a one-step-at-a-time project, but Isaac takes it as slow as she needs, never rushing her. ]
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15... Room 15.
[ her purse is a crossbody, and hasn't left her shoulder since she'd put her dress back on after the search. she'll have to fish the key out, once they reach the door, but thankfully it's closer than her old room. ]
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[ To be honest, he's tired too from carrying most of her weight, but he shows no sign of it, and never once complains. Just carries her as best he can, and he'll help her get into the room, too, once they're there. ]
Almost there... chair or bed?
[ He'll guide her to whichever she picks. ]
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[ once he helps her sit, she goes quiet, focused on catching her breath for few long moments. ]
...Thank you, Isaac.
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... yeah, of course. Do you need to sleep it off? I can come back later...
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No. I told you that we could talk after their vote. I keep my word.
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I'm just worried, [ is what he'll say. ] I don't know what happened back there, only how upset you seemed.
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[ said softly - she's not trying to hurt him. even after all of that, she remembers him, and the things he's told her... even with her memories, she still cares about this child. ]
What happened... I remembered everything I hadn't before. Every one of my past lives, back to the very first I lived. Every last one of them ended in disaster.
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How ... many of them have there been?
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... so you remembered ... what, only one before, and what happened during the trial made you -- "awaken" to all of the others? [ that was the word babo kim had used. or agni. OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS! ]
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That's right. I usually spend much of each life unaware, but eventually I remember them all. This time... between my memories and his, there was no avoiding it.
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... man, during a trial was a bad time for that. Not that there’s a good time, but...
[ like, that’s gotta be EXTRA worse ]
I ... wish I knew what to say. I can’t imagine what that’s like... all I know is that I’m really sorry, Brilith. You’re ... you’re a good person, and... you shouldn’t have to hurt like this.
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even so, she manages to smile for him. it's sad, perhaps, and doesn't touch her eyes, but it's there. ]
You have a good heart, Isaac. I wish you could have found friends somewhere else - somewhere safe.
[ without her there, with all her memories, to hurt him again because she could never handle living with them for long. ]</small.