Yeah. I am, actually, but maybe not for the reasons you think. Or maybe you know exactly why I'm fucking angry.
It doesn't matter. Me yelling at you isn't going to change your mind and honestly? I'm tired, Brilith. We're losing people left and right and I'm not your fucking mom, so I'm not going to lecture you about being self-sacrificial.
Then yeah. You know what? Lie to him. Because he's thirteen and he doesn't need another heartbreak like what happened to Asch. Whatever happened to you? It's bad. I get that. I get that whatever it is fucking destroyed your foundation, but you can't spread that pain to kids who don't deserve it by dramatically declaring that you want to put your death on our consciousnesses.
[ there's no fire behind it. this is only simple fact. ]
I have no intention of hurting Isaac or anyone else in this place. But I have no obligation to live by your rules, either. [ or at all. ] All I did tonight was offer a solution if there was no monster found - and that almost came to be. Someone would have had to be voted for anyway, and I'm not as innocent as so many of you seem to think.
None of us are. [ she says, with a scoff. ] None of us are innocent, we've all done terrible shit. Not a goddamn one of us is innocent and most of us have had some really awful shit done to us.
You are so up your own ass about this, it's incredible. Where did that whole I care about other people's wellbeing thing go, huh? Or was that fake, like I said?
[ she shakes her head. none of them feel right, least of all what she tries next. ]
I still care. More than I should, probably. But it's easier to do something about it when there aren't all these memories in the way, and I'll be reborn before long, anyway. As long as Agni is still loves me, I won't be free, no matter how many times it happens.
It means that this body is subject to its own experiences, and its memories and feelings where still fresh and strong enough to compete with my will. Brilith Ruin has lived her life up to this point with the sure knowledge of who she is, and how she feels, and her body naturally reacts like she would have even if I hadn't awoken.
[ she smiles, without a trace of mirth. ]
...But even if it weren't for that, I do care about humanity. Though perhaps not in the way you want me to, Beauregard.
[ oh that's - hm. she doesn't like that. in fact, she actually grips at the doorknob, ready to run if she needs to. her expression shifts into something guarded. ]
Stop dicking me around. [ her voice is harsh. ] What. Are you some sort of god, now? Is that what this is?
No. I have always been, and will always be, human. The only difference now is that I remember thousands of lives, including things none of the current human race in my world knows of.
If you want someone who can do something about it, talk to Agni. The only thing I've been able to do for millenia is to die and start over again, without these memories.
...I'm sorry, Beauregard. I know that doesn't fit with who you think I should be.
No, don't fucking speak for me, don't fucking do that! Don't put words in my fucking mouth, I hate that! [ her voice raises again. ] Don't tell me what I think! I don't think you should be any particular anything!
If that's the impression you got, you really are up your own ass.
[ her fists clench the sheets, and brilith swallows against the sorrow that floods her body as beau continues to yell. it isn't her own, she reminds herself. she has no reason to cling to the friends that the brilith from before had cherished.
still, she has to fight to keep her voice steady, and under the sedative, she isn't entirely successful. ]
I am not a god; I don't share their ability to read the minds of humans. I won't know what you think or what you want from me unless you say something, and all you've done tonight is yell.
So tell me: why did you come here? I've already spoken with Isaac, and he understands more than you seem to want to try.
What, did you forget what I kept telling you last week? I thought I made myself pretty clear when I said I wanted you to be able to have a personality outside of your duty.
[ her jaw tightens at isaac's name, though. ]
But. I don't know why I came. [ she says, honestly. a little raw. ] For answers, I guess. To check on you.
...Because you liked her, is that it? [ she may have been ignorant before, but this brilith has lived too many different lives to miss that.] But you haven't asked many questions. You won't get answers that way.
You don't. This is still directly tied to your duty, man, all this is you just keep not getting to be a person. [ she leans against the door. ] I like you. Yeah. Or I did. I don't know. You're beautiful, and dancing with you was fun, but I don't have the kind of patience you need, I think.
[ she rubs at her arm. ] I don't even know what to fucking ask.
There is no duty in being forced to be reborn again and again.
[ her voice is soft, tired. but brilith doesn't argue the rest. ]
An overabundance of patience is what got me into this position. But, however little it's worth now: she liked you, too, even if she didn't realize.
....Strange, though, how you're the first to admit you don't know. So many have already insisted that they know me, and the only one who really does is too blind and too big a fool to do anything.
[ she liked you too. beau lets out a long, heavy sigh, thudding back against the door heavily. ]
People are layered, man. I can't claim to know shit about you, especially because we're so fucking different. I think maybe one person in this whole place gets me on that sort of level that you're talking about. [ she folds her arms. ] What I mean by patience is that I keep thinking I'm explaining to you what I think, and you're just not - getting what I'm putting out. We're talking past each other.
I have this problem a lot. [ it reminds her of caleb. ]
[ the part of brilith with millennia of suffering behind her screams that it doesn't matter. it's just one more person to hate her, and why should she care to do anything about it if she still plans on finding a way to end this life as soon as she can, to free herself of agni?
yet she can't stop herself from asking: ]
...You said you were angry, but not for the reasons I think. You never explained further, unless that was just about Isaac.
I'm angry because I think you were being selfish. Not that you give a shit. You're very worldly and all above me and have lived for a fucking bazillion years, I get it.
I'm angry because I hate destiny and fate and all that bullshit. I'm angry because you're just - one more fucking girl I couldn't do anything for.
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It doesn't matter. Me yelling at you isn't going to change your mind and honestly? I'm tired, Brilith. We're losing people left and right and I'm not your fucking mom, so I'm not going to lecture you about being self-sacrificial.
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Then what do we have to talk about?
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Or I will knock your teeth out, I don't care how pretty you are.
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[ her voice is tired, exhausted. ]
I just don't see the point in hiding how I feel. It never helps anyone, least of all the one being shielded from the truth. I would know.
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Then yeah. You know what? Lie to him. Because he's thirteen and he doesn't need another heartbreak like what happened to Asch. Whatever happened to you? It's bad. I get that. I get that whatever it is fucking destroyed your foundation, but you can't spread that pain to kids who don't deserve it by dramatically declaring that you want to put your death on our consciousnesses.
You're older than me. Act like it.
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[ there's no fire behind it. this is only simple fact. ]
I have no intention of hurting Isaac or anyone else in this place. But I have no obligation to live by your rules, either. [ or at all. ] All I did tonight was offer a solution if there was no monster found - and that almost came to be. Someone would have had to be voted for anyway, and I'm not as innocent as so many of you seem to think.
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You are so up your own ass about this, it's incredible. Where did that whole I care about other people's wellbeing thing go, huh? Or was that fake, like I said?
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[ she shakes her head. none of them feel right, least of all what she tries next. ]
I still care. More than I should, probably. But it's easier to do something about it when there aren't all these memories in the way, and I'll be reborn before long, anyway. As long as Agni is still loves me, I won't be free, no matter how many times it happens.
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[ her natural curiosity wins out. ]
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[ she smiles, without a trace of mirth. ]
...But even if it weren't for that, I do care about humanity. Though perhaps not in the way you want me to, Beauregard.
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Stop dicking me around. [ her voice is harsh. ] What. Are you some sort of god, now? Is that what this is?
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No. I have always been, and will always be, human. The only difference now is that I remember thousands of lives, including things none of the current human race in my world knows of.
I want nothing to do with the gods.
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Right. [ she is very, very uncomfortable, and it's probably clear. ] Not sure how that makes things any less creepy.
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...I'm sorry, Beauregard. I know that doesn't fit with who you think I should be.
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If that's the impression you got, you really are up your own ass.
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still, she has to fight to keep her voice steady, and under the sedative, she isn't entirely successful. ]
I am not a god; I don't share their ability to read the minds of humans. I won't know what you think or what you want from me unless you say something, and all you've done tonight is yell.
So tell me: why did you come here? I've already spoken with Isaac, and he understands more than you seem to want to try.
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[ her jaw tightens at isaac's name, though. ]
But. I don't know why I came. [ she says, honestly. a little raw. ] For answers, I guess. To check on you.
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[ she's quiet for a moment, almost hesitating. ]
...Because you liked her, is that it? [ she may have been ignorant before, but this brilith has lived too many different lives to miss that.] But you haven't asked many questions. You won't get answers that way.
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You don't. This is still directly tied to your duty, man, all this is you just keep not getting to be a person. [ she leans against the door. ] I like you. Yeah. Or I did. I don't know. You're beautiful, and dancing with you was fun, but I don't have the kind of patience you need, I think.
[ she rubs at her arm. ] I don't even know what to fucking ask.
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[ her voice is soft, tired. but brilith doesn't argue the rest. ]
An overabundance of patience is what got me into this position. But, however little it's worth now: she liked you, too, even if she didn't realize.
....Strange, though, how you're the first to admit you don't know. So many have already insisted that they know me, and the only one who really does is too blind and too big a fool to do anything.
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People are layered, man. I can't claim to know shit about you, especially because we're so fucking different. I think maybe one person in this whole place gets me on that sort of level that you're talking about. [ she folds her arms. ] What I mean by patience is that I keep thinking I'm explaining to you what I think, and you're just not - getting what I'm putting out. We're talking past each other.
I have this problem a lot. [ it reminds her of caleb. ]
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yet she can't stop herself from asking: ]
...You said you were angry, but not for the reasons I think. You never explained further, unless that was just about Isaac.
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I'm angry because I hate destiny and fate and all that bullshit. I'm angry because you're just - one more fucking girl I couldn't do anything for.
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