[ she kind of just looks exhausted, more than anything. ]
... Okay. [ she says, quietly. her voice is raw, now: ] I'm sad. But I have to keep going. Phoenix wouldn't want me to give up. And there's so many people that don't have him now, and I want to help.
...I understand. Just tell me - what good will it do if you keep helping everyone else at your own expense? Who will be there to help you, when you need it?
... Look. Let me let you in on a secret. [ she says, folding her arms. ] The second week we were here? After Nikki. I called Peach up and told her to pass on a message to Master Blue. I told him he could have me in exchange for everybody else here. All of you get to go home, and I'd stay here and do whatever the fuck he wanted. Whether that was torture or death, I'd let him.
You know why? Because I'm a piece of shit. I never thought I'd live past nineteen. And my whole life has been me doing whatever I could to fuck other people up. It didn't matter. As long as I screwed someone over, it was fine. It was what I did.
But now I'm here. And the best thing any of the Nein taught me how to do was to leave shit better than I found it. So yeah. I'm less important. That's how it should be.
[ there's a part of her that boils with anger at hearing this, her grip tightening on the staff until her knuckles turn white. because if this is true - how dare she get angry at the old brilith for choosing a life of scarifice? how dare she yell at brilith just last week for wishing to die? how dare she be such a hypocrite?
she doesn't let go of that anger, even though she tries. maybe the old brilith would have been able to, but she's not that good of a person anymore. her voice trembles, lost somewhere in the crossroads of fury, sorrow, concern, and betrayal. ]
You really believe that.
[ it's not a question. brilith can tell that she does, and she hates that, so much. ]
Then you're a bigger fool than I thought. You aren't worth any less than anyone else, and if you weren't willingly blinding yourself, you might be able to see it.
Yeah, well. There's a fucking reason I got so mad at you before.
[ she knows she's a hypocrite. for the sacrifice thing, anyway. wanting to die is a different story. ]
Or - not even you. I wasn't mad at you. Just your circumstance and what it made you. Like my circumstance, and what it made me. I told you I don't hate you, just your life, because you didn't have a choice. Thing is, this is me trying to be better. This is me trying to make up for the shit I've done.
What we talked about before - that wasn't her circumstances, that was her choice. She was always that way.
[ distancing herself from the old brilith would make it easier - or so she hoped. it doesn't work nearly as well as she thought. ]
I don't care what you've done. It doesn't make you less of a human being than anyone else, and that means you still need someone to help you, too. I don't care who. But no one can stand on their own forever. Believe me, I've tried.
I already told you the only person that helped is dead, Brilith, I don't know what you want from me. I'm just gonna go until I can't. And I've been doing that since I could walk, so. It'll take a while for me to get as old as you.
I want you to find someone else, Beau! Stop being an idiot, will you?
[ more and more of the old brilith is seeping out, and she doesn't even seem to realize it. there's a thread of distress threading into her voice that she hasn't noticed quickly enough to close herself back off, one that this brilith would never have allowed otherwise. ]
What will happen to the ones who need you when you burn out, too? Who will help them, then?
[ beau - yeah, she told brilith to call her that, but she's surprised it actually happens. she doesn't say anything. she - misses this old brilith, and maybe she wants to encourage it as much as she can. ]
Ideally, they'll help each other. It's kind of like Phoenix, right? All the people that are missing him coming together and making bonds, making promises.
I'm glad they care, but they won't notice. [ her smile is a little sad. ] Which is okay. Really. That's kind of how I want it to be? I can put my shit on the backburner if it means people like Hunter get to be okay. He deserves a bit of happiness.
I got all the happiness I was ever supposed to get in Exandria, I think. Hit the max. So this is all bonus. [ and she's waiting for it to burst. ]
There is no such thing as a maximum for happiness!
[ she takes a step back, shaking her head in disbelief. ]
Isn't this the same thing you were yelling at me for, not so long ago? Because no one noticed and I wanted it that way? You're doing the same exact thing you said you hate!
[ she sighs, pushing the beanie back just a little. her mask is glowing a sickly green color, visible even under her hair. ]
I hate it because I don't want other people to have to go through it, Brilith. It sucks. I probably shouldn't have yelled at you for it. I just wanted you to be happy, and talking through shit calmly isn't really my thing.
[ the fight seeps right out of her just as quickly as it came, and she averts her eyes. as she speaks, her voice gets softer, until she trails off completely. ]
Of course I care. You... You remind me so much of...
[ her frown only deepens. she takes another step, and then another, and, boldly, rests a hand on brilith's arm. she's sure she's going to get batted away, but. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
... Okay. [ she says, quietly. her voice is raw, now: ] I'm sad. But I have to keep going. Phoenix wouldn't want me to give up. And there's so many people that don't have him now, and I want to help.
no subject
no subject
My shit's not important. It never has been. And the one person who did help is dead, so.
no subject
no subject
... Look. Let me let you in on a secret. [ she says, folding her arms. ] The second week we were here? After Nikki. I called Peach up and told her to pass on a message to Master Blue. I told him he could have me in exchange for everybody else here. All of you get to go home, and I'd stay here and do whatever the fuck he wanted. Whether that was torture or death, I'd let him.
You know why? Because I'm a piece of shit. I never thought I'd live past nineteen. And my whole life has been me doing whatever I could to fuck other people up. It didn't matter. As long as I screwed someone over, it was fine. It was what I did.
But now I'm here. And the best thing any of the Nein taught me how to do was to leave shit better than I found it. So yeah. I'm less important. That's how it should be.
no subject
she doesn't let go of that anger, even though she tries. maybe the old brilith would have been able to, but she's not that good of a person anymore. her voice trembles, lost somewhere in the crossroads of fury, sorrow, concern, and betrayal. ]
You really believe that.
[ it's not a question. brilith can tell that she does, and she hates that, so much. ]
Then you're a bigger fool than I thought. You aren't worth any less than anyone else, and if you weren't willingly blinding yourself, you might be able to see it.
no subject
[ she knows she's a hypocrite. for the sacrifice thing, anyway. wanting to die is a different story. ]
Or - not even you. I wasn't mad at you. Just your circumstance and what it made you. Like my circumstance, and what it made me. I told you I don't hate you, just your life, because you didn't have a choice. Thing is, this is me trying to be better. This is me trying to make up for the shit I've done.
no subject
[ distancing herself from the old brilith would make it easier - or so she hoped. it doesn't work nearly as well as she thought. ]
I don't care what you've done. It doesn't make you less of a human being than anyone else, and that means you still need someone to help you, too. I don't care who. But no one can stand on their own forever. Believe me, I've tried.
no subject
I already told you the only person that helped is dead, Brilith, I don't know what you want from me. I'm just gonna go until I can't. And I've been doing that since I could walk, so. It'll take a while for me to get as old as you.
Or maybe it won't.
no subject
[ more and more of the old brilith is seeping out, and she doesn't even seem to realize it. there's a thread of distress threading into her voice that she hasn't noticed quickly enough to close herself back off, one that this brilith would never have allowed otherwise. ]
What will happen to the ones who need you when you burn out, too? Who will help them, then?
no subject
Ideally, they'll help each other. It's kind of like Phoenix, right? All the people that are missing him coming together and making bonds, making promises.
If I burn out, nobody is gonna know.
no subject
[ she knows the answer even as she asks, and it only serves to upset her more. ]
There are people here that care about you, too - what about them, Beau?
no subject
I'm glad they care, but they won't notice. [ her smile is a little sad. ] Which is okay. Really. That's kind of how I want it to be? I can put my shit on the backburner if it means people like Hunter get to be okay. He deserves a bit of happiness.
I got all the happiness I was ever supposed to get in Exandria, I think. Hit the max. So this is all bonus. [ and she's waiting for it to burst. ]
no subject
[ she takes a step back, shaking her head in disbelief. ]
Isn't this the same thing you were yelling at me for, not so long ago? Because no one noticed and I wanted it that way? You're doing the same exact thing you said you hate!
no subject
[ she sighs, pushing the beanie back just a little. her mask is glowing a sickly green color, visible even under her hair. ]
I hate it because I don't want other people to have to go through it, Brilith. It sucks. I probably shouldn't have yelled at you for it. I just wanted you to be happy, and talking through shit calmly isn't really my thing.
no subject
[ her hands curl into fists, apparently oblivious to the pain it causes, with those burns. ]
You are an idiot, Beau.
no subject
I mean, yeah. I am an idiot, but - I didn't think you cared a whole lot about me one way or another to begin with, Bril.
no subject
So you don't think I hate you - just that I don't care? You really do think so little of yourself and of me, don't you?
no subject
[ she looks confused, why anger!! ]
It's not that I think little of you. I just thought... I don't know, I'm not really worth your time? Am I wrong?
no subject
Of course I care. You... You remind me so much of...
no subject
Someone you know, I guess. [ beau supplies, soft. ]
no subject
...All of them. All of my old friends, and my family... [ in a whisper, she continues: ] You're so much like them.
no subject
I guess I'm sorry and glad about that.
no subject
I don't want to see the same thing that happened to them happen to you, too.
no subject
I don't know what happened to them. But. [ she thinks about it for a second. ] I can try a little harder for you if you want me to.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)