I never said that. I know I'm important to them, as Agni's summoner. But they don't need me. They are perfectly capable of living without me, once they have a new priest to hold the barrier.
...No. As I said, they'll find someone else to take care of the city in my absence.
[ she doesn't really want to tell zenitsu the real reason she's so ambivalent on this. he's a good boy, one who shouldn't be saddled with such things. ]
[ she did say that before. she talks about what's necessary so much while writing herself off as dispensable. there's a lot that he isn't understanding here, and it's not place to pry, but the questions in his mind are numerous. ]
[ that still doesn't sound right. and it's clearly not a conversation she enjoys, yet zenitsu hesitates.
maybe she's right about her position. maybe the city can just find another summoner to take her place. maybe a god's presence is more important for the world than that of one person. even so, he can't agree that agni is inherently more necessary than brilith. ]
That week, I saw his memory. He was talking to someone.
[ zenitsu breathes in, then recites: ]
The souls of gods, nastikas, and humans are fundamentally equal. If that's true, you're just as irreplaceable as he is, whether or not there's a city to manage.
[ at those words, brilith goes very still. how cruel, she thinks, to have her own words used against her. even if that isn't zenitsu's intent, that is how it feels, knowing where this memory came from. so her voice is quiet, bitter, when she says: ]
[ he's testing the boundaries here, he knows, but he's gotten this far. it's left him flustered and panicky enough to keep going. he's never been good at keeping his mouth shut once it's started running, particularly in the company of attractive women. ]
I can't help it. In that memory we shared, you felt so lonely. Even now, something doesn't feel right.
[ if he's paying attention, maybe zenitsu will see her hands ball into fists in her lap, scrunching up the fabric of her skirts just a bit. she's careful to keep anything else from showing, or sneaking into her voice. ]
Maybe. But it's nothing I'm not used to, by now. As I said, it's been... years.
[ there it is again. he's noticed more and more since she tended to him after the break-in that there's something strained about her. there's been a shift since the trial even before that.
he doesn't know the full story. still, he shakes his head. ]
That doesn't make it right. If it's gone on for so long, shouldn't it change? Everyone deserves that chance!
[ zenitsu blinks. who is he? is it agni? that's the only person from her world that he knows.
circumstances can be considered fixed for a number of reasons. sometimes, it's because a person refuses to change. other times, it's because of something beyond the person's control. but if it's people, people can change.
he has to believe that people can change. otherwise, he'll be a crybaby for the rest of his life and that'll wrest any hope he has away from him. ]
[ he's pushed so much to get this far. it's uncomfortable and unnerving. he fears upsetting brilith too much, but he can't stop now. ]
Maybe he will.
[ brilith can speak with more certainty than zenitsu on this. still, he's been surprised by people in the past, and he was born with an ability to discern lies. he's quiet as he considers tossing the only name with which he's familiar. ]
It's not Mr. Kim, is it?
[ it's a shot in the dark. all he understands is that they share a history, and they didn't exactly communicate well. one memory was enough to showcase that. ]
[ it's all the affirmation he needs. he's surprised. at the same time, he isn't. hearing that saddens him.
agni seems like a kind god. he's compassionate, and he braved a monstrous night to protect others. his decision to use the feather is the reason zenitsu is here, right now, with a flesh body. it's hard to imagine someone like that being deliberately cruel.
so it has to be an accident. but what kind of accident is it? he doesn't want to pry into adult affairs—and yet. ]
What's that?
[ why is history constantly repeating itself? why is brilith suffering? why does agni not answer questions about brilith?
in the memory, brilith recognized that she was at fault. pride got in the way. but that doesn't seem to be the case here. ]
[ it's a simple enough question, one with answer that is so, so complicated. hearing it all would overwhelm zenitsu, she thinks, but the simplest most honest answer she could give would only alarm him. so what can she say, exactly...? ]
He will follow almost any order I give him. If he can't read my mind anymore, that is all he can do, he says. He will do exactly as I say, and think no more of it.
Except for one - no matter how many times I ask, he will never let me go.
[ the rest comes out unbidden, in a flare of frustration. ]
He will let me die as many times as I choose without getting in my way, but he will never stop loving me.
[ it's all very raw for her, especially... here, before the patch of sunflowers, after this weekend. because she may never have noticed those flowers in the first place, if it weren't for agni. and if she hadn't, then she wouldn't have-- ]
[ it's a lot, he realizes. there's a lot going on here. of course there is—there's a god involved, and brilith just said that she's died multiple times. he can't begin to process half of what she's disclosed. zenitsu is speechless.
slowly, he straightens. he can't begin to fathom how being loved could be a curse, not when he's coveted love from others all his life. he lacks the experience and wisdom to speak on this matter, so he says nothing as he pads over to brilith.
it's not the same as dealing with girls his age. when girls cry, he can coo and ask them what's wrong and hold them. grownups are different. even so, he looks at brilith with a worried furrow in his brow before reaching for her hand.
maybe it won't do anything. maybe he'll just make her mood worse. still, he wants to reach out and convey that her story has touched him. he doesn't know what to say, but he can do this as he thinks. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Is it that important to be needed?
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[ she doesn't really want to tell zenitsu the real reason she's so ambivalent on this. he's a good boy, one who shouldn't be saddled with such things. ]
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You want to go back, though, right?
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I don't particularly care what happens to me. But I will go back, if it means ensuring that Agni goes.
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maybe she's right about her position. maybe the city can just find another summoner to take her place. maybe a god's presence is more important for the world than that of one person. even so, he can't agree that agni is inherently more necessary than brilith. ]
That week, I saw his memory. He was talking to someone.
[ zenitsu breathes in, then recites: ]
The souls of gods, nastikas, and humans are fundamentally equal. If that's true, you're just as irreplaceable as he is, whether or not there's a city to manage.
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It used to be true, but not anymore.
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Did something happen?
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It's nothing you should worry yourself over, Zenitsu. It was - years ago.
[ and it was, but she's okay with him thinking whatever happened was maybe from her childhood, instead of the truth. ]
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I can't help it. In that memory we shared, you felt so lonely. Even now, something doesn't feel right.
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Maybe. But it's nothing I'm not used to, by now. As I said, it's been... years.
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he doesn't know the full story. still, he shakes his head. ]
That doesn't make it right. If it's gone on for so long, shouldn't it change? Everyone deserves that chance!
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[ her hands loosen, and she smiles again - but this time, it isn't trying to cover anything. there is no joy to it, there is only resignation. ]
You have a good heart, Zenitsu. But there are some people who can't be helped, no matter how much you want to.
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I know. I know that there are people like that.
[ he lived with one for a while. while he respects that person, they also hate each other. theirs is a miserable state of affairs. ]
Even so, why does it have to be that way? Why can't you be helped, Brilith?
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[ she huffs a laugh, the sound soft. he really is kind, isn't he? if they have paradise in his world, she imagines that he will see it someday. ]
It's because there is only one person who is able to help me, Zenitsu, and he never will.
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circumstances can be considered fixed for a number of reasons. sometimes, it's because a person refuses to change. other times, it's because of something beyond the person's control. but if it's people, people can change.
he has to believe that people can change. otherwise, he'll be a crybaby for the rest of his life and that'll wrest any hope he has away from him. ]
He?
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In all the time I've known him, he has never changed. I don't expect that he ever will. So my situation will not change, either.
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Maybe he will.
[ brilith can speak with more certainty than zenitsu on this. still, he's been surprised by people in the past, and he was born with an ability to discern lies. he's quiet as he considers tossing the only name with which he's familiar. ]
It's not Mr. Kim, is it?
[ it's a shot in the dark. all he understands is that they share a history, and they didn't exactly communicate well. one memory was enough to showcase that. ]
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[ that may be as good of an affirmation as he will get. ]
We've had so many chances, but every time... Every time, he does the same.
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agni seems like a kind god. he's compassionate, and he braved a monstrous night to protect others. his decision to use the feather is the reason zenitsu is here, right now, with a flesh body. it's hard to imagine someone like that being deliberately cruel.
so it has to be an accident. but what kind of accident is it? he doesn't want to pry into adult affairs—and yet. ]
What's that?
[ why is history constantly repeating itself? why is brilith suffering? why does agni not answer questions about brilith?
in the memory, brilith recognized that she was at fault. pride got in the way. but that doesn't seem to be the case here. ]
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He will follow almost any order I give him. If he can't read my mind anymore, that is all he can do, he says. He will do exactly as I say, and think no more of it.
Except for one - no matter how many times I ask, he will never let me go.
[ the rest comes out unbidden, in a flare of frustration. ]
He will let me die as many times as I choose without getting in my way, but he will never stop loving me.
[ it's all very raw for her, especially... here, before the patch of sunflowers, after this weekend. because she may never have noticed those flowers in the first place, if it weren't for agni. and if she hadn't, then she wouldn't have-- ]
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slowly, he straightens. he can't begin to fathom how being loved could be a curse, not when he's coveted love from others all his life. he lacks the experience and wisdom to speak on this matter, so he says nothing as he pads over to brilith.
it's not the same as dealing with girls his age. when girls cry, he can coo and ask them what's wrong and hold them. grownups are different. even so, he looks at brilith with a worried furrow in his brow before reaching for her hand.
maybe it won't do anything. maybe he'll just make her mood worse. still, he wants to reach out and convey that her story has touched him. he doesn't know what to say, but he can do this as he thinks. ]
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Zenitsu...?
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